Need Help With Self Medicating, Rivotril, Xanax, Heroin, Methadone.
UpdatedHi folks,
I'm looking for some advice from experienced doctors, if there are any here? Or just general help from folks with knowledge.
Basically in short, I'm 34 years old, have been a heroin addict on and if since age of 14, from ages 14-18 I really abused benzos too being as my doctor who was breaking the law was basically supplying me with whatever I asked for, he didn't really no what he was doing and it was before the drug treatment laws really came into effect here.
Basically I would see him monthly and be like, yeah it need 30x10mg Valium to sleep a night, and be prescribed, also giving me litres of temazepam liquid and liquid methadone and basically anything I asked for, that all stopped when I was around 18 and then started to go to proper clinics. I'm not trying to boast but at one point I ate 70 odd 10mg Valium at once and was using on top etc, but have never OD'd in my life. From ages 18-22 I basically just shut my self away in my room and got was just using heroin and the odd benzo I could get. My life was crap, I had no friends, nothing. Then at age 22 I went on holiday with parents to Spain, while I was there I managed to find a job and decided to stay , I joined a local drug program as I was on subutex at the time, they switched me back to methadone, and Valium to bring me down.
I had a really good life in Spain, met my ex fiancé, was planning a future, working etc and life was good. During this time I came off methadone and heroin, but told my doctor that when I took Valium, it really helped me, as I'm quite shy, get anxious a lot etc, so he kept me on them. All was good for a month or so but then realised they weren't really working like they were, I discussed this with my doc and he put me on 1mg Xanax, eventually after about a year of being good I had to go upto 2mg. Then he offered me Clorazepate, brand name Tranxene. This drug was a wonder drug for me, it made me feel so happy, social, wanting to go and do things etc, similar to what most benzos do, but just much better. I stayed on the same dose for about 3 years,I believe they were 15mg, small pink triangle tablets. Some days I didn't even have to take them. Then a few bad things happen in my life, I split from my ex , very close family member gets cancer, so I return to UK.
My doc in Spain gave me all the paperwork I needed and I thought I could just come home and carry on with the prescription, but no, even though I'd been clean for several years and at the time, my doctor was having none of it, he thought I was just another junkie tryna get benzos, I explained I'm addicted to these and that the Spanish docs only gave me a month supply, his answer was basically tough, if I'm a drug addict, sign onto the drug agencies!
So what I do when I'm in this country I end up becoming a heroin addict again after being clean for years, I detox off the benzos without anything. Roll on a couple years and that very close family member dies, I have a very small family, literally one other person now, my mother. I also have a lot of other problems that went on at that time but don't really wanna discuss to much, basically I was on the point of suicide, so I just binged on all the medication my family member had, their was vials of morphine, fentanyl patches with the gel, benzos galore, I literally went crazy for a few months.
During all this time I was with the same drug agency, who are completely useless, they just pump me full of methadone even though I'm using heroin every day and they just for get it. I've tried explaining that these certain drugs can help, but they don't listen, every time I go in I see a different doctor so how can I get consistent treatment, they keep switching my key workers etc etc, honestly some of you wouldn't believe what they have done to me over the past 2-3 years, in reality, I should be entitled to compensation and they all lose their jobs, but like I've said to them, I'm just a junkie and no one cares about them.
The pass 2-3 years have been hell for me, I've tried to get the tablets off the internet myself and end up getting fake or dangerous pills so gave up, up until about 2-3 weeks ago I was thinking about ending it, but I wouldn't have just killed myself, I hated everyone, I've basically spent the past 3 years locked in my room, having panic attacks, thinking I'm gonna die, and just not understanding why the drug agency doesn't help me or believe me. Honestly if I had carried on, in 2 or so years I would have ended up just going out and killing everyone I hated and getting killed by police, I hated the world that much.
Now roll on to today and why I'm really here, no doctor in the UK will help me, I've tried for years, some tell me it's cos I take drugs, I tell them I take drugs cos If I didn't I'd probably kill myself, others say 'yes I agree with you, and your right, maybe these tablets will work for you, but unfortunately as your under methadone treatment I can't prescribe them', others have said I'm a danger to society, they refer me to a different unit and I get denied straight away as I've never killed anyone or seriously hurt anyone, even though I tell them I'm capable of it.
So after no help from anyone in this country, my mom and me have decided to self medicate. I've managed to find a reliable source of real Xanax and clonazepam, unfortunately I cannot find Clorazepate anywhere. After a lil' reading Clorazepate has an extremely long half life, like 100-200, whereas Xanax doesn't. What I've been doing is days I'm feeling really down, I take 2 mg of Rivotril/clonazepam, but I find the next day im generally ok so I just take a 0.5mg Xanax and that generally does me, I kind of alternate the two. Also being as I have access to this medication now, I'm cutting down on my heroin use and methadone. My plan is for to be off heroin within a month, and off methadone within 2-3months.
So that's a lil background about me, what I'd really like to know is what's the nearest benzodiazepine to Clorazepate? Rivotril has worked the best for me so far, I find with Xanax if I take 2mg bar I'm ok, but after a few days they don't work as well, which I don't get with the rivotril.
I've diagnosed myself as having IED intermittent explosive disorder, the description for wiki is my exact symptoms, and I know I have anxiety/anger driven depression, I also think I'm maybe borderline bi polar although I don't really get the manic highs.
Also another thing I'd like to know, specifically with strong benzos, like if my mum took a 10mg Valium, it's knock her out, but if I take one, it does the complete opposite, I'm hyper if anything, very sociable, want to do things, basically making me human again, instead of some troll living in a pit his whole life.
The past few weeks have been amazing, I've been going out, I've cleaned myself up, I'm not ashamed to say that I went maybe upto 6 months at a time before washing, never shaved or cut my hair, I was a mess, I was a junkie. But now, like my mum says, she has her old son back, like I was in Spain.
It's just ridiculous I have to purchase illegal medication from the internet and self medicate because of the doctors incompetence,
Anyways, I'm sorry for the long post, but I'd appreciate anyone's advice, especially what's similar to Clorazepate.
Cheers guys.
1 Reply
I'm not a doctor, but I am an addict who has been clean for nearly ten years now. Because I was raped by my father at age 18 I've been a basket case for many years. I am 42 now and under doctor's supervision I take Prozac (60mg a day) and Rivotril / Clonazepam (15 mg a day). Reading your post makes me thankful that I have a doctor who is supervising my medication. What you say about the need for it is true for me too: I know that taking this medication helps me to function in society. My message to you is simply this: If there is someone somewhere who got off drugs alone, then that person was never really an addict. What defines an addict is that no matter what you do, you can't change yourself. Literally there is only one way out; even if you don't believe this now you can come back to it later and try to believe it then... you must ask God or whatever it is that you believe in to help you. As I said, I'm 42 now... I promised myself that I would kill myself when I turned forty. I didn't, because I know that my desire to die is a sickness that can be treated. Every day of my life I wake up and say to myself that I only have to worry about making it through today. Nobody can understand the feeling of living in a hell of your own or a nightmare except someone else who also has that feeling. That is why I can say that I feel very sorry for you and the fact that you are writing this here means you really want help. Whatever happens, just remember that there is a way out. I think some people are not meant to be happy ... I always tell my mom that (she supports me a lot) and she doesn't get it, but what I mean is, giving up on the idea that I will ever be completely free from suffering has made me able to endure. Instead of wishing for health and happiness I just do my best to break down time into manageable chunks, and what I think of as "divine intervention" takes care of the long term. So, I wish you good luck. PS if you don't know how to pray just think "God help me" and even if you don't get an answer and even if you don't feel better just go on asking for help from a higher power. That is the only way to live with addiction. I hope my answer was helpful : )
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